Take these broken wings and learn to fly … again

headphones

“Blackbird” by The Beatles has been running through my head a lot this week. I’ve been struggling with living up to¬†the eulogy I gave for Jon-Marc and I’m disappointed in myself. This may be somewhat unreasonable. It has only been three months and that’s a short time to expect to have scaled any mountains. Still, I feel like I’m not even scaling any grassy knolls at the moment.

I usually tend towards being a very positive person. I’m the eternal optimist with bucket loads of hope to spare. I’m having a hard time reconnecting with that part of me since it experienced its biggest let down ever. The cancer diagnosis came nearly a year ago. I know because I was scrambling to get the VCA grant together for the Waterworks Players before the March 1st deadline when I got the dreadful news. That deadline has come around again and brought a harsh reminder of what happened last year. At the time I was sad and concerned but full of hope and sure that it wouldn’t be as bad as we thought. Over the course of last year I clung desperately to that hope remaining fully optimistic that I would get to celebrate Christmas 2011 with Jon-Marc. Right up until the week before he died my hope was strong enough to believe that was still the case. When Jon-Marc died my hope died.

Now I’m trying to learn how to hope again.

All of my family has a strong connection to music. All of the siblings in my family can tell you pieces of music that mark moments in our lives or relate to you our favorite concert experiences. Listening to music has become difficult for us. So many of those memories are tied to Jon-Marc, our shared experiences and shared loves with him.

This week a glimmer of hope returned. I was introduced to a new Scottish band by a colleague and for the first time in what feels like a long time I needed to hear more. I downloaded the album in Spotify and have been playing it over and over. I realized I hadn’t fired up Spotify in a longtime and found myself rediscovering my playlists. I even made sure I had checked through all of Jon-Marc’s playlists for any forgotten gems.

I did poke the pain a little too hard listening to Hoppipolla by Sigur Ros. It was too soon. Jon-Marc introduced me to Sigur Ros and Hoppipolla was played at the end of his memorial service. I hope to be able to listen to that track again eventually. It’s too beautiful to not be heard but not yet. More time needs to pass.

So I am trying to learn to fly again as I did before. When I am described in the future I don’t want people to say her brother died relatively young and she just never got over it. I want there to be many more achievements and moments to savor. If you want to check them out for yourself the band I was introduced to is called Kassidy and funnily enough their album is called Hope St.

Family, Music

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